Thursday, November 20, 2008

The Cycle of A Cycle

When you are ttc or trying to conceive there is a process that you seem to go through each month. At least that is the way it is for me. You see each month when my cycle begins I am very sad that I have started and that it means I am not pregnant. Then within a few days the sadness begins to turn to hope. I can count the days and know that this is a new month and there is hope that this will be the month. The next week is spent in anticipation taking and herb to help hoping and praying. Then the stress kinda kicks in is this too early? Is this too late? Will it be exhausted before it is the perfect time. Then there is the other side. How do we keep the romance in it. Should I get a sitter or just wait till bed-time? Then for the next two weeks there is this hope mixed with an odd sense of responsibility. Should I have that glass of wine, I mean it has been three years we have been trying what really are the chances? But then what if and then if there are problems it will all be because I was selfish and drank a glass of wine. Then I begin to look for all the little signs "yes I am a little tired, is it that tired I get when pregnant?" Oh I think the girls are a little swollen is this just a PMS thing or are they really swollen. Then I tell myself Stop playing with your mind you know that it will not happen just like it has not happened in the last 34 months why would this be the month. But I want to hold on to that hope at least for a little while. The thought that maybe just maybe this is the month. The I start. And it all starts again.
We are going on vacation next month perhaps I can try to get off this roller coaster for the month as well and just enjoy the season.

No comments: