Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Rantings from a frustrated infertile woman

I am going to post about my feelings today rather than bargains. It is very hard to understand why I can't get pregnant I mean I have one child. I also got pregnant with another one. I was not trying to even get pregnant with the child we lost so why now when we want it so bad am I unable to get pregnant?
I have read about so many women who are not even able to have one child. Should I just be happy that I have the one and go on with life? I mean he is 81/2 they would be so far apart in age. Yet this desire is still there. I wake up with it, I go to sleep with it, I tell it to go away, and it does not leave. It is almost like a hunger that eats you up inside. I really wanted a child before I had my son. I never imagined that I would still want another so badly. Secondary infertility is more common than many people think. The thing is that the feeling to have another child is not less when you actually have one.
Perhaps that is why I want another so bad. I adore my son I never thought parenthood would be so wonderful. He is an interesting, intelligent, and all around great kid. Who would not want another one? I also know that my husband is such a great father. He love our son, who is actually his stepson, my husband adores him and they do all the father and son things together. One of the things I know is that we could have 5,6,7,8 of our own kids and it would never change the love he has for Lars. That means so much to me.
This is going to be a hard week because I am in the two weeks wait they call it. The between ovulation and when you would find out if you were pregnant. So of course I will find out Christmas Eve if I am. The hard thing is that I am not going to be. I don't have the symptoms I have had before. If I think hard enough my body starts to feel them though. Oh yes I am a little tired. Oh my stomach is a little upset. I think that is what hard those whole two weeks I am constantly searching my body for hidden signs I may actually be pregnant.
I will not allow my disappointment to keep from having a great Christmas with my family or to take away from the true meaning of Christmas.
So now you have the rantings from a frustrated, infertile woman.
On a side note we got the tree put up last night and it looks great. I will try to post pictures of it tomorrow.


SimpleMommy said...

I had secondary infertility, too. My oldest was 13 when my second birth child was born. We had tried for 7 years & spent countless dollars on tests, drugs, and doctors. Then, miraculously, God opened my womb, and I had another.

I don't have any words of wisdom, except for everything there is a season.
I remember the wait. I did it almost every month for 4 years. If I may be presumptuous, I found this site very helpful. www.resolve.org

Hon, hold your chin up. God has a plan for you! We may not know what it is, but trust me, there is one.

I'll pray for you to have the strength tomorrow to face whatever challenge you'll face.

Lura said...

Hi. I found your blog from Money Saving Mom. Secondary infertility does stink. It seems so unfair. You know your body can get pregnant because it did before. I know that nothing I can say will make you feel better about it, but know that someone else who has been there (although not for long) is thinking of you and praying that God will give you the desire of your heart. I believe he gives us those desires for a reason!

Tessa said...

Hi there,

I can really identify with the feelings that you posted. I am in a very similar situation - my husband and I have been trying to have another baby for about a year with no success. Our son is 7-1/2 years old. Long story as to why we waited almost 7 years to start trying again ... I wanted to share with you the devotional my Mom sent me before Christmas because it really spoke to me. I hope you like it.

The Time Came For Her Baby
by Jon Walker

And while they were there, the time came for her baby to be born. (Luke 2:6 NLT)

We manage time; we waste time. We spend time, and we save time. We wish the time would come; we wish the time would pass. We see time fly, and we feel time drag. We watch clocks and carry calendars, creating the illusion that we somehow control time, yet all the while moments flow forward like a mighty river that cannot be stopped, harnessed, or re-routed.

Yet God controls time. He created time and we, his creations, are fenced by his time, directed and guided by his holy and loving hand. Do you think God was surprised that "while they were there, the time came for her baby to be born?"

We're often surprised by unexpected developments in our lives, yet the Bible teaches that God is never surprised, even in the most disastrous turn of events. How would your faith differ if you believed God was not surprised by your current circumstances and that he's working, at this moment, for a holy and healthy conclusion?

What does this mean?

· God is always on time, at just the right time – George Mueller, the great prayer warrior from the 19th century, once waited on a dock for a special chair to be delivered. He had a bad back and needed the chair for the ocean voyage ahead of him. When the departure time grew close and the chair still had not arrived, Mueller's friends offered to buy a substitute chair, but Mueller said no – "Either God will provide the chair, or he'll give grace to do without it." Like a Hollywood ending, the chair arrived just in time, right on time. Mueller noted, "If the chair had arrived earlier, we might have dismissed the provision of God." This Christmas, point out the provisions of God when you see them.

· What if you were certain God would provide? – How would you act, think, and live differently if you were absolutely certain God was at the end of the deadline? That is, even if there were mere seconds left, you still believed with certainty that God was working through your circumstances? Believing he's there and about to provide is the essence of faith. Tell God, "I believe; help my unbelief."

· Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever. (Hebrews 13:8) – Time cannot diminish Christ's love for you or his power to work within your life. He is there in the past; he is here in the now; and he is there in your future.

· A thousand years are like a few hours to God (Psalm 90:4) – God is working to bring you into eternity, not just to get you through the end of next week. Praise God for his grace and for a love so strong that he wants you to spend an eternity with him.

© 2007 Jon Walker. All rights reserved.

Bugtheteacher said...

Thank you so much for your kind comments it really helps to know I am not the only one going through this. I know that all things this included is in God's hands and in His timing. It is still hard at times but it does help to know Someone stronger is in complete control.