Friday, October 28, 2011
I always pictured myself the mother to quite a few children. As a young teen I imagined the family I would have one day. I wanted 12 children. As I got older and helped care for other people's children I realized that 12 was a lot. I thought perhaps 2 to 3 children would be ideal, maybe even 4. Never did I picture myself with just one. Yet that is the place the Lord has me.
It was surprising to me to end up divorced shortly after the birth of my son. It was a whole new journey for me. Those first years went so fast, I went to school to get my teaching degree and had a packed schedule between working and mothering and being a student. I met the man that is now my husband when Lars was 4. They took to each other right off. That was so comforting. We married just 2 days after his 6th birthday. I had finished my degree and was looking for teaching work. We were open to more children but I thought that my feelings had changed and I would be fine with or without more children. That year we found out we were expecting. We were thrilled. When we lost that baby it was then that I realised how much I wanted more children. Lars is like a walking advertisement for having children he brings so much joy to our lives.
We have been though over 5 years of heartbreak with secondary infertility. I had never dreamed that if I wanted children that I could not have them. This journey has not been for the faint of heart. I trust that God in his wisdom will do what is really best for our family. I know that. I am also so very thankful for the child we do have and our daughter who I will meet in heaven. I just wish we could add to our family now. Then there are the times that I realise how easy we have it. You know I actually get to sleep through the night, and I do not have to take are car seat and diaper bag with me everywhere. we are very portable and can be very flexible. Those are very good things. I also try hard not to pine aways about not having more and try to really enjoy the one I have.
I love being a mom even if things have not turned out the way I had planned them I still love being a mom.