Friday, August 17, 2012

Grand Canyon

Climbing out of our van at the Grand Canyon I realized what it means to really have your breath taken away. When I caught my first site of it I could not breath or even speak, if you know me you know that is saying something. I really could not even begin to take it all in. I remember my feelings at the time and I can remember to some degree what I saw, but I am really unable to mentally pull up the picture that I saw at that time. It is odd I remember that I was stunned but all my memory pulls up is what I saw without the emotion that went with it at the time. I am not sure how or why it is that way.

Thinking back to when I had my son when I pull up the mental images I had I feel those emotions again. I feel the panic and confusion when they said he was not breathing right. I remember the feeling of just wanting to touch him and kiss him, I do not just remember the feelings I feel that longing in my heart again. I wonder why with one thing there is that emotional memory and why with something like the Grand Canyon that it is not there. Perhaps it is that Lars is with me that the presence that I longed for is still with me. Or perhaps it is that so much emotion goes into having and carrying a child. I am not sure and just really wonder about how our emotions and memory of them are connected.

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